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Archive for September, 2007

19
Sep

Who would miss you?

I sit here in the glow the monitor wondering if there is anyone that would truly miss me. Of course my children would grow old and wonder why thier father wasn’t around, but would anyone else? Seriously, how many people have you impacted in your life? Have you really made a difference? The nights you stayed up late spilling your guts to someone…would it really matter? Would there be someone that would think of you after years gone by? Would they be jealous, would they be upset? Would they just say you had some issues that you should have talked about? I really wonder. Have I helped anyone in time of need. Have I inspired anyone to be a better person? Did I make someone change thier ways? Or was I just too involved in my self obsorbtion to realize that one of my friends needed someone to cry on?
When you ask these questions in time of dispare people always think the worst. “They are suicidal!” “Quick, help them before they do something stupid!” Maybe people are just asking questions to some sort of wierd distorted test to find out where they really stand. What would you do? Would you tell someone something that would ruin the tranquility of thier lives? Would you extend your arm to someone who you thought couldn’t be helped? How many times have you let something slide that you could have changed because you didn’t want to disturb the herd? Honestly, who are you? Think about what you consider you. And really consider whether or not you stand true to the values you hold dear. Would you tell your father he was a shitty dad? Would you tell your children you have thought about life without them?
I am not writing this in some sort of depression enduced frenzy, but in a moment to truly ask my friends to consider who they really are. If I have one moment to capture your thoughts, only one moment to enfluence you for the rest of your lives…now is that time. I really want you to take a moment and think about who you really think you are. Think about the decisions you have made and the people it has affected. What would you have done differently? If there is anything or anyone that you have not told what is laying in the bottom of your heart then please read this and right that wrong.
Too many of us go through our lives thinking about who we are. Too many of us think one thing but say another because we don’t want to hurt someones feelings. But in the end we regret it. That isn’t by any means the way that we should live. Live for you and what you believe in, and don’t feel like you need to sugar coat the world to make anyone else happy but yourself. Feel free to let me know whether or not this has made you think about you. If you just feel inside of you, “poor Rob is going through hard times”, then just go ahead and forget what you have read because it did not apply to you.
I know where you all will place this blog in you heads. Believe me I know I am I depressed but I am not a person that does not see the world clearly. I am not writing this for any reason other then to touch one person to truly think about who they are, what they have done, and how they can make a difference. Be you and don’t let anything stop that.

17
Sep

I wear my heart on my sleeve

I know it’s been a long time since I have updated this blog and I figured that now is about as good as any time to start. For those of you who don’t know Saturday morning Heather admitted to me that she was having an affair. I was so destroyed, broken, hurt, betrayed, alone. My intial reaction was, “It’s over, we are getting a divorce.” I assume that would be the first reaction for just about anyone so I don’t feel to bad about making that statement. After I came home I tried to talk to Heather it became apparent that it wasn’t the time to talk.
I packed up some of my things and put them in the truck. Basically, I had some beer, my guitar, a sleeping bag, my bike, water, and some clothes. I just wanted to disappear. I turned my cell phone off and took off. I didn’t really know where I was going or when I was coming back but I knew for sure I didn’t want anyone to know where i was going. I went down to the local ATM took out some money and started driving.
I was supposed to go to Downieville to ride Saturday morning before I confronted Heather. So I decided to head that way. I think it was for a few reasons. I ride my bike for the same reason I ski…to forget about everything else. When I’m doing that stuff there is no time to think about anything else in your life but what is going on. Especially when you are in a place like Downieville screaming down the side of a mountain at 30 mph with a cliff on one side of the trail. People get taken out of that town by helicopter fairly frequently. I think that’s the other reason I went there.
At this point I’d had about 5 hours of sleep in two days and really hadn’t eaten anything but a couple of eggs at a friends house. I was tired and hungry. But honestly I couldn’t eat. I’m actually still having a hard time with that. None-the-less I spoke with some locals that told me about a back road I could drive up and camp out without being bothered.
So here I am up in the mountains almost nine years from the first time I laid eyes on Heather. I played a few songs on my guitar, smoked a cigarette, and drank a beer before I decided to try and sleep. Here I was sleeping in the same sleeping bag I was sleeping in when we first got together but this time, alone. Well, I guess you could call it sleeping if waking up every 30 minutes or so counts. I would wake up and the second I did to do anything, even if it was to roll over, I thought of Heather and what had happened. Then I’d sit there looking out the window of my truck at the stars thinking about it until I fell asleep again. That was a long night.
After spending a few hours looking at the sky and watching the sun come up I decided it would be in my best intrest to get something to eat before I went riding. I knew that considering the amount of sleep that I had in the last three days I would already be at a disadvantage. So I went to this little diner and ordered breakfast. My stomache was and still is in such a knot it is almost impossible to eat. The only reason I did it then and still am is becuase I know I have to. It took me about an hour to struggle through a plate that would normally take me about 5 mins. to eat.
I was looking forward to the ride because I really wanted to escape all this stuff in my head. On the other hand I was a little scared because I didn’t know what was going to happen up there on that mountain. None-the-less I took the shuttle up to the top and met a few people and we started our journey back down. Wow, what an amazing place to ride. Just breathe taking views, and a trail so intense you aren’t riding a trail, you are riding adrenaline. There was only one problem. No matter how intense the ride was, no matter how fast I pushed it, no matter what supprise came around the corner, I was thinking about my wife and my family.
I would say I was about half way down the mountain before the 3 days I planned on being gone turned into the fact that I knew I was going home when I got done. That is what happened. Once I got to the bottom I said goodbye to the guys I was riding with and started heading home. I told myself I wouldn’t turn my cell phone back on until I was almost home. There was a particular spot that I told myself I’d wait to get to. However the anticipation was killing me. Did she call? Did she text? When did she? Which of my friends were concerned? Or am I still all alone?
When I got home I thought I was going to walk in the door and tell Heather how we would sell the house, get a divorce, decide where to live, and figure out how to share our children. Unfortunately or fortunately (I don’t know which one yet) when I saw my wife, I still loved her. I do have hate towards her and her actions, but bottom line is I still love her. I still love her like the day I asked her to marry me, like the day she told me she was pregnant, like every day that we have spent together for the last 9 years.
So here I am now, down off the mountain and still in the same place. Confused with a serious problem that needs to be dealt with. I don’t have a clue where life is going to lead me. I don’t know what I’m going to do or what is ultimately going to happen. For a guy who always has a plan or a goal that he is working towards that is really scary. I do know that I still love my wife. I love my children. And I would love my family to stay together. I think I would be a fool to end this relationship right now, because I don’t know without a doubt that I have done everything that I could to keep this family together…and now I’m sitting here crying, wearing my heart on my sleeve and I say to all of you that are my true friends, you all know who you are, thank you for your support!